i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
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