ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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