Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
