Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
