I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
