I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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