I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
