And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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