I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
