im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
