I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
