Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
