They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
