Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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