Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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