Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
