if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
