I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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