So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
