I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
