Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
