The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
