I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
