The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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