If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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