i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
