if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
