I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
