Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Are we still banned from the library?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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