It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
