Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
either way he was missing a nipple.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
