Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
