I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
