Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize