ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
