forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
