It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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