i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
sarcasm needs its own font
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
