i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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