I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
