If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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