More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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