Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
