It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
