I'm lost and stupid without you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
All the doctor said was why
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
