I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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