God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
