I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
