I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize