It was confusing and full of hummus
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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