I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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