someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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