I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
