Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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